i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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