Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
