Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
