is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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