I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
