In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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