Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
