my being single is dangerous.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
