Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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