shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
that is very illegal...i love you.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
