i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
