last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
