break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
