I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
