i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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