There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
