if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
