you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
