my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My life is pants optional.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
