He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Everclear isn't food dammit
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
