I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
