PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
