My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
