I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
