I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
