remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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