Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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