We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
