oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
