I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
