He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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