I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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