Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
