Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
