until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
