i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
