I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
