Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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