Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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