my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I made him laugh his dick is mine
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
