my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
