Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
