her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
