Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
