I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
