he wants to bone in the snuggie
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So vagazzling was a success
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