Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
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No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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