Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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