Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
