The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize