Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
