What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.