Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
