i was born a porn star she said
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
