i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
